Either You Suck Or It's Just Not a Match

colleen  said: ↑

So, its rude to say ... you suck at cybersex and so I do not wish to play with anymore? We have to pretend we are stupid or hide?

Well, maybe the "suck" part, but then it would depend on the context and the man, I think. Telling someone you don't wish to play anymore is not rude though. Potentially awkward, yes. Rude, no.

I do find that some women can be unnecessarily harsh with men in a way that just makes me cringe and want to apologize for my gender. It's that whole pound of flesh thing. You can tell someone that you are not enjoying the play and that you wish to stop without unleashing the hounds of hyperbolic-ghetto-blasting-diva hell on some poor guy.

I would prefer, if limited to these choices, that someone fake a crash, play dumb or hide (temporarily) over continuing to cyber with someone they are not enjoying though. Really. What the hell are you doing otherwise?

I personally handle this particular problem a number of ways, the most common of which is that I just say, "Hey, you know what? I don't think we're a match." Different styles, choices, preferences, whatever, but not a match. Then, depending on whether I feel it is worth saying more, I might say something about how it was nice to meet, "thank you for asking me," "good thing we found out early and can move on to find something that suits us both better" and "enjoy your day," and then I excuse myself and leave. Then I open up the "Notes" tab on his profile and type "No" and a short line on why. And then I move on.


Here's an extremely generalized rule of thumb.

The Joe Wannafuckers who treat you like a game construct and approach you with random TPs or lines like "Wanna fuck" or "Get on your knees and suck me bitch," and then hop on a poseball and press the menu button like a manic lab rat on cocaine while not making any real effort to engage with you are not gonna lose one iota of momentum if you tell them they "suck at cyber" and you don't want to play anymore. Choosing to either stick with it until he is done or, God help you, repeatedly agreeing to have cybersex with him, or sending him an onslaught of continuous colorful criticism is a complete waste of time.

The Peter Pararoleplayers are another story. These guys are more sensitive. They're making an effort. I would ask that women handle them with a tad bit more consideration. That does not mean playing with them if you don't want to play with them. That does not mean faking your way through to an exit. You can say no in a firm and respectful manner. Again, I just say it's "not a match." That's not a criticism so much as it is a preference and a valid and honest one at that.


My main issue is with people who agree to cyber AGAIN and AGAIN out of what...some misguided sense of courtesy or obligation? Let's talk about that some more.

I will confess I have completed cybersex with someone I wasn't particularly enjoying, but usually only when I was well into it and could tell it had a reasonably short end time and it wasn't totally abhorrent. If I get started with someone who is clearly a multi-hour paraRPer, there is no way I'm going to roll with that until the end. Why give hours and hours of your life to some stranger when there is no benefit to you? And why perpetrate that kind of fraud on the other person? Cut bait for both of you so you can find better catches. But that's why I talk about a "cybersex sales cycle" and highlight the probing and listening and setting of expectations. The ideal scenario is not getting into that situation because you sorted it out up front.

Also, there's some pretty rough and bizarre stuff in Second Life and on the internet. If someone unwittingly gets into a cybersex situation where the roleplay is deeply disturbing and upsetting, then again, why keep doing it? Why do that to yourself? And for who? What's that about? Stop it.


Here's a thought. What if neither of you are enjoying the cybersex, but both of you stick with it until the other has "had their fun"?  Seriously.  Stop it.

Slippery Slope

I followed some more of Lum's breadcrumbs (he sees LeeHere too, well hell, so do other people) and found this blog post from June 25, 2007 called "What if they gave an orgy, and nobody came? The open scandals of sex in the undercity," that is as relevant to this thread and sex in Second Life as anything written in 2007 about sex or Second Life is, which is to say, extremely relevant. It's written by Lillie Yifu on her Raise the Red Lantern blog which purports to be about the intimate side of Second Sex. We have a First and Second Life, why not a First and Second Sex Life?

(I notice that not only do Lillie and I share some similar perspectives on men and sex in Second Life, but we also share a near complete lack of patience in waiting for everything to rez before taking and posting pictures. Bless her. She also has, however, a penchant for outting people on her blog that I do not share. So be fair warned. She uses condemnations, pics [RL & SL], names, titles, profiles and descriptions of acts. Her last blog post is from December of 2009, so it may be safe to go back into the Adult and Mature waters.)


Edit p.s.:

I see she has another, more current, sex-in-Second Life blog called 2nd Sex that has a posting as recent as December 6, 2010. So if you are chumming the fuck waters of Second Life, beware the watchful stripper in a thong with the flashing camera.

Lum said: ↑

I've talked to Lillie a few times over the years. She's a very smart woman who for whatever reason has chosen an SL career that puts her on the fast track towards meeting some very dumb men, and it's shaded her view towards men in SL. On the other hand, if you read the chat transcripts she puts up, it's not without some justification.

I'm probably gonna go off on a bit of a tangent from your post (and thank you for that), but...

I've noticed, from my own prolific sexual behavior in Second Life, that sliding down that slippery slope to a jaded and uncharitable view of the opposite sex, or I suppose I should say "targeted" sex in order to include all sexual possibilities and preferences, is an occupational (as in "activity in which a person is engaged," not necessarily "professional") hazard. I like to think I do a pretty good job of keeping my perspective and my appreciation of men in general (as a heterosexual female), but the reality is, you can't spend a lot of time engaged in one particular activity and not expect it to have an effect on your personal hard-wiring and that particular activity, casual sex, really skews the sensory input down to something specific and visceral and unfairly unflattering to the larger group being considered. It's just the nature of the beast. I've made a personal choice to actively keep a guarded eye on my own attitudes and not let it completely pervert my thinking, so to speak. All groups of people have assholes and saints and some who are neither but just have their moments.

Lillie and I are both calling people out on their behaviors in our own ways, and while I do hear what you are saying about some justification (hell, I think my own transcripts show some justification, and I did observe her blogging about more serious issues like Adult activities on Mature land as well as public ageplay), I'm not as comfortable with the idea of posting people's full avatar names and pictures and profiles with the behaviors and chat. That's why most of the chat transcripts I post contain scrubbed names like Guy 1 and Guy 2. When I post a pic, I usually either get permission or I scrub the name and identifiers beyond the physical appearance, unless the physical appearance itself is just too much of an identifier.

I have a sex alt. I like the freedom of movement and the anonymity and the ability to experiment and play. I appreciate and respect that for others too. Although, with the two examples I specifically mentioned in Lillie's blog, I can see the value in an "outting" activism, but she's catching regular Joe Wannafuckers in her net with screen prints and such and that makes me twitch.

On the other hand, it did occur to me that someone included in her blog might actually benefit from a reader hitting them up for some casual, meaningless, wannafuck sex. Yeah, I do actually think that way; it's not just how I'm drawn. 

And then every once in a while I meet a man who seems to make a good challenge to the perceptions I'm forming.

Lum said: ↑

She does raise an important point, though, that comes up frequently, and that in SL, there is a line between meaningless, wannafuck sex (which Lillie, as a sometime dancer/escort specializes in) and imposing your will on the unwilling.

While you may enjoy random sex with strangers on your sex alt (or your main for that matter, I won't judge you save behind your back!), I strongly suspect you would have standards. You would expect your prospective partner to meet some minimum standard for physical appearance, ability to complete a sentence, basic creativity, willingness to acknowledge you might have desires of your own, what have you. Whereas the Joe Wannafuckers she chronicles desire none of those things - they show up in 50L avatars even though they clearly have spent time in SL, hop on a poseball, and expect the most beautiful avatar in the room to service them (and I use that verb intentionally). They see sex in SL not as a mutual exercise but as computer-assisted masturbation, primarily because they do not see others within SL as real, but as constructs within a computer game.

That's step 1 of the jacktard scale - step 2 is when you get to mindfuckers who try to get as much RL information as possible, as quickly as possible, because it's the closest thing that delivers the emotional wallop of rape within a virtual environment. And that, too, is entirely too common.

Often people will shoot you an IM that simply says, "ASL." A quick Google search will tell you that they are asking for your Age, Sex and Location, and to be clear, your real-life age, sex and location, or as one contributor to the Urban Dictionary helpfully adds, "What stupid people say on chats to learn who you are and where you live so they can come to your house with a chainsaw and kill you."

Lillie Yifu makes references to "ASLFers." I don't know what that is, though it has a meme-like quality running through her blog a la Prok's "FIC," and reminds me of Pep's frequent comments about "EFLers," but I would hazard a guess that it might refer to someone who immediately asks for your Age, Sex, Location and Fantasy or Fetish. Any other guesses? Perhaps Lum and Orfeu actually know and will enlighten us.

When I'm in Second Life on my Lee account, the answer to ASL is quick, real and simple (it's already on my profile anyway): 43, female, Seattle. (Although I think I have just put that I am in my 40s on my profile so I don't have to update the damn thing every time I have another birthday.)

When I'm in Second Life on my sex account, I sometimes give that question just a little more thought and a lot less simple reality, as the answer could be any number of things, including, but not limited to:

a) None of your damn business.
b) If that is important to you, then we are probably not a good play-date match.
c) Whatever I want it to be, female and Fantasyland or perhaps a slight variation...
d) Over 21, female and right here in Second Life... and to entertain myself with a bit of slutty-sounding sarcasm veiled as a coy come on...
e) What do you want it to be, baby?

My observation is that most of the people who ask ASL expect a real First Life answer and that most people who answer it are giving fantasy Second Life answers. It's an interesting disconnect. (Note that I specifically said "most" and not "all" and that I am qualifying it as my personal observation.)

Sometimes I feel I am being incredibly honest and forthcoming when I reply, "over 21, female and right here in Second Life," as indeed, I am, and on more than one level, but the response I usually get is, "Ha, ha, ha."

colleen Criss said: ↑

I say that too as a rule because they are actually asking colleen Criss ASL , well shes 3 ...shes fem and shes from SL. Past that I have no info I wish to give them. If they don't like that answer *shrugs*

You go, girl. And thank you for adding the Second Life rez-date age. An excellent cover of my egregious omission.

1+
Female
Second Life

Repost. LeeHere Absent, Mar 3, 2011 http://gotvirtual.net/community/threads/thats-what-she-said.772/page-13#post-30293  http://gotvirtual.net/community/threads/thats-what-she-said.772/page-13#post-30325  http://gotvirtual.net/community/threads/thats-what-she-said.772/page-14#post-30341  http://gotvirtual.net/community/threads/thats-what-she-said.772/page-14#post-30423