Confessions and apologies of a serial SL heartbreaker... (Jan-28-2011)

I stole this from Storm.  Always looking for the male perspective, ya know.

"Your world, your imagination! I say it over and over.

I am a serial heartbreaker.

I want to apologise to all the women (and some men) who I have hurt. You see, I got into this game called 'SecondLife' because it advertized itself as 'Your world. Your imagination.': the perfect RP game! Since I rezzed nearly one year ago, I have been meeting women and enjoying the game as my self-styled 'Casanova' character. Suave, debonair, witty, sexy, a manly man! I have been very successful, too. I have had a series of 'relationships' with women, in a couple instances, a few at a time, all of which have ended with me 'moving on'. Oh, there have been the requisite tears and sobbing from the women (and some men) but that was all part of the RP, or so I assumed. In fact, I feel fairly certain that one or two of my alts may be responsible for some of the anguish I have recently read in this forum.

If it is me that you are targeting with this pain, I deeply apologize. I know many of you are offended by this man's actions: I can't help myself, I am a Casanova, a heartbreaker - it's what I do. It's who I am. It's my world, my imagination.

As soon as I rezzed and got my bearings (i.e., a makeover) I began to express my imagination with the myriad of female avies who threw themselves at me. Oh, it was easy to meet you. Most of the time, you IM'ed me out of the blue, sometimes from several hundred meters away telling me how attractive I was and how you were lonely and did I want to dance. You all wanted a piece of Storm - and why not, I created the most hansome of avatars, I conversed in more than one sentence, and I was available. I told each of you I loved you - that each was the only one for me - I had sensuous, deep, fulfilling pixel sex with you. On the bright side, I did not charge you as an escort would - I did not regurgitate empty lines of love - I did love you - all of you.

You were very happy, too.

It was all part of the RP. I played the handsome Casanova willing to sweep you off your feet. And, why not? Your world. Your imagination. I know now (from reading a few OP's over the past few days) that many of you felt like I was 'the one', your SL dreamboat come true, the one who would be 'forever yours'. My RP skills are wonderful but, so are yours! Well, once or twice I nearly got caught posting my love message to the wrong IM when I was with you. If you do not remember that time, it is because I diverted you with romance, rezzed the TenderLove, and swept you off your feet. You enjoyed it! It was what you wanted and still do! I felt happy with you.

So, ladies (and some men,) it is time for you, too, to 'move on'. Now that you have expressed your grief and anguish publically in the forum, received many emotive responses, you must move on! Do not fret, I have kept a list of names and will not approach you with my alts as I now know that you were not engaged in RP with me.

Don't you all agree: Your world, your imagination? I thought I was playing SL the right way.

Enjoy!

PS Marked as a question because I ask one."

Links:
http://community.secondlife.com/t5/General-Discussions/Confessions-and-apologies-of-a-serial-SL-heartbreaker/m-p/492885/highlight/true#M239184

What's Wrong With Men?

Moni Duettmann asks, "What's wrong with men?"

"I am close to celebrating my fifth SL birthday soon and I consider myself an open, intelligent, friendly and good-looking person (well, someone else should make that last statement, I know! :-)), but believe me: in all those 5 years I have never met a man who seriously had tried to seduce me. I'm not talking about weirdos jumping into the scene and offering instant f.... I mean decent, romantic, witty, nice, but determined approaches with a goal - to get me laid, or perhaps to start a relationship. Mostly men seem to be content with hearing (reading) themselves talk or, in the vast majority, they don't even try to talk to me, or tge conversations ends after 2 and a half sentences. When interested I always try to steer the conversation into the desired sweet sexy romantic direction, but the men don't seem to "get it". Are they too shy? Are they not interested? Am I not explicit enough (but where is romanticism)? I have been approached by women several times and out of curiosity and lack of men even started a few relationships. But still... I don't get it... Isn't SL the Eldorado for virtual sex? But where is it? Where are the lady killers?"

Well, ya know something like that would tempt a tl;dr style wall o'text from me.

Lee said:

"Fun post.  You got a lot of responses already and I had multiple responses pop into my head too just reading your OP.

First off, I see you say you want either sex or a relationship.  I think your first-mentioned goal, which appears to be a witty, adult, sexy, romantic, fun seduction for sex is a completely understandable one.  It's also a very, very tall, but not impossible order.

Your second-mentioned goal appears to be a witty, adult, sexy, romantic, fun seduction for a relationship.  Also a tall, but not impossible order, although this one is even more complicated.

So breaking it down:

Yes

Seduced for romantic sex

Seduced for relationship

Decent, romantic, witty, nice, confident, skilled, determined, assertive

Good listeners

Lady killers

Sometimes women

No

Wanna**bleep**er sex

Base down-and-dirty quickies

Weirdos

Transmit-only talkers

Shy, insecure, undecided, noncommital

A couple of the things you don't say, though vital to this discussion in a virtual environment is...

First off, what level of importance do you give to the real-life status of the men in Second Life?  I say this because in my experience, which is not some all-encompassing truth, many men in Second Life, particularly mature ones who have some game, have a real-life wife or girlfriend and a Second Life wife or girlfriend and a bunch of Second Life friends with benefits and places they go trawling for snacks and quickies or some combination thereof, and many of the men who are decent, romantic, witty, nice, confident, skilled, determined, assertive or some combination thereof, are often men with, at a minimum, a real-life wife.  So I don't know if the man's real-life relationship status is an issue for you or not.

Also, considering how very, very tall your order is, you don't really say a whole lot about what you are doing.  Where do you go?  Where are you looking?  What do you do?

I have met some men who were seductive, men who might have appealed to you.  Which is actually ironic, because I tend to go into Second Life for one of two things and in one of two mindsets.  1.  Wanna**bleep**er sex.  2.  Sexless fun with friends or on my own exploring.  I don't go into Second Life for wine and dine romance and potential relationships.  

That said, I do end up meeting seductive, charming men who want one or the other or both (romantic sex and romantic relationships) and try to slow me down and get my mind of a dirty quickie or off the exploration of another sim for a blog post.

Here's where I have met the seductive men who can hold a good conversation and make a move.

1.  Lar's Place.  It's a bar for older men and young women, but it got so popular (older men are like diamonds and catnip in SL) that younger men started going there because that's where all the women were.

2.  Third-party SL and virtual world forums like gV, SC MKII, SLU, RLetc, Utherforums, etc.  I've met some charming and articulate and funny men on forums and the friendship has carried over into SL inworld (and sometimes the real world).  

3.  Voice clubs.  (I know that one is sticky, because voice is controversial and not for everyone, but this is a list of where I have met men who are anywhere near like your description and this is where and how I met many of them.  I met one particularly charming man because he was telling stories and jokes in voice and I could hear him and "got him" and I  shot him some funny and appreciative IMs and the next thing I knew he'd swept me off my feet and we were ballroom dancing and I was swooning.)

4.  Introductions from friends.  I also return the favor.

5.  A furry bar.  (I was there as a curious human initially.  Total fish out of water, but open and curious.  I return because there are some nice and intelligent people there.  Many of the furry men I've met tend to favor a kind of old world solicitous affectation that can be quite charming.  My apologies to any furries who might be offended by that description.)

6.  One of the most charming men I've ever met in Second Life (dancing, conversation, dedictated a song to me, serenaded me) I met by accident when I wandered into a BDSM club in the middle of a mall.

7.  Sex sims.  Yeah, sometimes the charming and intelligent guys go there for quickies and you strike a conversation and then next thing you know you've been talking for two hours.

8.  Dance clubs.  Sweethearts Jazz, Bogarts, New York Ballroom, places like that. 

I have found that my own journey, if you will, in Second Life has been one of trial-and-error and distillation.  I know what I want and I am a student of how to get it and I'm pretty good at it now.  But it can be quite a bit of work.

I've actually posted and blogged a lot about my experience as a cybersexer in Second Life and the Utherverse.  If you're at all curious, check it out here:  http://whatleesaid.blogspot.com/.

After five years, I would think you either need to give it up (the two goals) or make some serious changes.  But then I guess that's why you started this thread.

Good luck.

And if some guy IMs you out of the blue and says he's a friend of Lee...say hello and be nice to him, will ya?   "

I actually have more to say on this subject.  No surprise there, eh?  But I'll say it later.  I will leave this teaser. I think Moni could benefit from the old sales cycle and maybe some color training too. 

Links:
http://community.secondlife.com/t5/Lifestyles-and-Relationships/What-s-wrong-with-men/td-p/988201/highlight/false
http://community.secondlife.com/t5/Lifestyles-and-Relationships/What-s-wrong-with-men/m-p/990189#M4844

ETA:

Moni Duettmann said:

"I have to thank everyone for many interesting and insightful answers. Although you don't know me, you have given me enough to think about for a good while. I understand that there is something in the content that has something to do with myself personally. Of course! But the phenomenon I am referring to rather has to do with the flirt approach of my fellow citizens in SL - I think... I don't understand some replies that draw a connection to RL. I am looking for flirts in SL, not RL. And of course all the specifications that count for anything else in SL, count for the romantic part too. I can separate RL and SL easily.

Maybe I have to explain. For me the Second Life experience gets much better with a romantic background. It makes me feel good all the time and makes me want to log in again. I love the playful side of it. How serious it can get depends on the person you do it with. I think RL should be full of love too, but we all know how reality is most of the time for most of the people. In SL romance should sort of be the base of the game, at least that's what I think and expect. Why refrain from it, when you can have it? I know how to spend my time, my life in SL isn't empty at all, I build and script and meet people for all kinds of common activities, but I miss a love that takes care of me. And that's why I often feel like a flower nobody wants to pick. I believe, if men knew what women really want, they would dare much more!"

Couples Stay Over Rather than Cohabitate

This is right in my wheelhouse.

Study: Young Couples Stay Over Rather than Cohabitate

More couples in long-term relationships are choosing to stay over a few nights per week at each other’s home instead of cohabitating, a university study has concluded.

University of Missouri PhD student Tyler Jamison conducted the study that found the growing trend among college-educated men and women in their 20s.

The appeal of these “stayover” relationships for young couples is keeping their independence and staying away from the big commitment that living together brings. Couples who live together and break up have to deal with apartment leases, shared household items, and other things that automatically bond people who live together. Men and women in their 20s are in transitional times in their lives and many do not want to be tied down to commitments in their personal lives.

Some participants in the study said they had no interest in every cohabitating in a romantic relationship outside of marriage, but do engage in stayover relationships. Some couples even stay over at their significant other’s house seven nights a week, but maintain their own residence. They cited that if they can go home or tell the other person to go home, they are not cohabitating.

The study was published in “The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.”

Links:
http://smartabouthealth.net/health/2011/07/31/study-young-couples-stay-over-rather-than-cohabitate/
http://www.huliq.com/10559/young-adult-couples-opt-stayover-relationships
http://www.sunherald.com/2011/07/28/3307617/study-shows-young-people-leave.html
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/07/29/us-dating-stayovers-idUSTRE76S4KE20110729
http://www.lansingstatejournal.com/article/20110730/LIFE03/107300305/Study-says-more-young-people-choose-stayover-instead-cohabitation?odyssey=mod|newswell|text|FRONTPAGE|s
http://hdfs.missouri.edu/current_profiles.html

Balanced Account

I think relationships are like accounts. There have to be both debits and credits and the accounts must be kept balanced. If you pay out all the time, you will eventually go bankrupt. It is your responsibility to balance the accounts. Sometimes you have to ask for a pay in and sometimes you have to be flexible about, and open to, how payment is received. It's no good holding the accounts and refusing deposits.


Repost.  http://forums.utherverse.com/yaf_postsm637399_Is-Sex-the-singular-most-selfish-act-of-humans.aspx#post637399

Why Men Use Prostitutes

This is a January 2010 article about why men pay to have sex with prostitutes:

Why men use prostitutes

The reasons why many men pay for sex are revealed in the interviews that make up a major new piece of research

Read the research project's report on men who buy sex (pdf)

One of the most interesting lines in the article:

In fact, many of the men were a mass of contradictions.

Research published in 2005 found that the numbers of men who pay for sex had doubled in a decade. The ­authors attributed this rise to "a greater acceptability of commercial sexual contact", yet many of our ­interviewees told us that they felt ­intense guilt and shame about paying for sex. "I'm not satisfied in my mind" was how one described his feelings after paying for sex. Another told me that he felt "disappointed – what a waste of money", "lonely still" and "guilty about my relationship with my wife".

God, what a tangled web we weave in this complex society of ours.

The article goes on to say that a couple of men in the survey said that the only way to end prostitution would be to "kill all the girls" or "lock up" all the men. Most acknowledge that hard-core real-life consequences like public exposure, monetary penalties and jail time would put a pretty big damper on prostitution. One thing that would not, however, would be knowledge that the working girls were participating under duress. But that's real life, right? Everyone in Second Life is making a proactive, premeditated, consensual choice, yes? Second Life is a relatively guilt-free environment, no?

Many men seemed to want a real relationship* with a woman and were disappointed when this didn't develop: "It's just a sex act, no emotion. Be prepared to accept this or don't go at all. It's not a wife or girlfriend." ­Others were clear that they paid for sex in order to be able to totally control the encounter, including Bob, who said, "Look, men pay for women because he can have whatever and whoever he wants. Lots of men go to prostitutes so they can do things to them that real women* would not put up with."

*emphasis added

There are 335 comments to that article, including these:

to divulge a bit more, probably close to a billion men alive today have paid for sex. Interviewing a few and analyzing the results in this way is completely meaningless.

Can't say I sympathise with the attitudes of most of the men described above and I've honestly never even been tempted to use a prostitute - at a guess I'd say I'm more representative of the male population than any of the interviewees.

Article comes nowhere close to understanding men's need for sex.
When will women start to ask " what do men want?"
The worse thing here is the guit they feel - maybe this is the real problem. Should be prefectly acceptable for these men to pay for sex i fthey can't get in their relationships without having this destructive guiilt hype foisted upon them
Most prostitues seem to operate without feelings of guilt and exploit these men financially
Suspect that 100% will have paid for sex one way ot another at some point in their lives

And a man citing Freakonomics and the benefit of pimps.

And an otherwise content escort sick of hearing about the dark and extreme end of her chosen profession.

From the survey report itself:

One interviewee explained, “There’s an intimacy in all sex, even if it’s only a small part of sex and if you give it away to loads of men there’s not much left. It’s about giving a piece of yourself away and there’s not much left.”

...he still seeks to convince himself that she both likes him and is sexually aroused by him.

Nonetheless they are disappointed and often feel “tricked” by what they know is the woman’s simulation of emotional and sexual response.

More than one-half of the interviewees confirmed they were in a relationship at the time they used women in prostitution. this contradicts the common misperception that men buy sex because they are lonely or have no partners.

http://www.eaves4women.co.uk/Documents/Recent_Reports/Men Who Buy Sex.pdf

Orfeu Miles said: ↑

Having had escort pals in RL....might I make the point, that if you put enough money in their hands....they WILL be fully satisfied.
(Joking...but...um....not really)

Actually, funnily enough, that's one of the points of the survey I mentioned (and posted the link) about how some men assumed satisfaction on the part of the prostitute and how some other men resented it.

Orfeu Miles said: ↑

My anecdotal evidence from my escort pals...was they considered it unprofessional to REALLY get off on the encounter.....although they admitted that it sometimes happens...1 in a hundred times...in some cases 1 in a thousand....the nature of the male ego...every guy thinks he is THAT guy. 

Every Carnal exchange between a man and a woman involves an exchange of energy...it could be affection...love...lust...time...attention...money...or even friendship....the prostitute/client relationship just exists within tightly defined parameters. 

I try not to heap judgement on it...its just yet another flavour...and er a pretty old one at that.

I hear ya.


Another interesting part of that survey, brought to mind by your comment about "THAT guy," is that some men admitted to lying to their friends about their experiences with prostitutes, either falsely telling other men they'd had sex with a prostitute without her demanding payment or trying to pass off an attractive prostitute as a real-life girlfriend.


Yes, and I'm struck by how many people, man or woman, will sometimes, maybe even often, feel depressed afterwards.

either falsely telling other men they'd had sex with a prostitute without her demanding payment

Orfeu Miles said: ↑

Male ego...out of control....an everyday tale...

LOL

We've got some tales of female egos running rampant too.


I see a lot of this dynamic in Second Life. A lot.

Orfeu said:  I like the phrase." A judgment free friendship"

For many men...sex is the premier gateway to intimacy.

What is Intimacy. ???Why do we crave it.???

I once heard it described...as wanting to see....and be seen.Hmm could be something in that I guess.

A witness that I am alive...that I was here...that someone touched me...and that I touched someone's life.
Plausible ???

That's what some people say about marriage (and LTR-commitment). It's making sure you have a witness to your life. 

Attached, Committed, Free & Clear or in the Grey Zone

Another observation. I see a lot of men who are married, partnered, collared or have a Mistress (or in some cases all of the above), all of which is clearly stated (broadcasted even) more than once in their profile, often with a sentimental declaration of love, loyalty and devotion... on their own and on the loose in sex sims. This information, to me, when I'm in Second Life on my sex account for the purpose of sex and trawling profiles, tells me not to approach these people. They are not available for sex, right? So I usually glide on by. What I have noticed, either because these people have contacted me or in an occasional moment of mischief when I have contacted them, that they are engaging in either a bit of false or misguided advertising. There's a lot more to be said on that subject, but I'm just going to leave it there for a moment.


Repost. LeeHere Absent, Mar 4, 2011  http://gotvirtual.net/community/threads/thats-what-she-said.772/page-19#post-30827

More About Opening Lines

Add to the list of Joe Wannafucker opening lines:

1. Hi. (A natural, I know, but with some people, if I don't reply, the entire chat log looks like this: Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.)
2. Are you wet?
3. I am hard and/or horny.
4. u horney?
5. We can have some voice?
6. u luk sexxy
7. i need to release a load
8. Maybe I can do you next.
9. kisses (Would you be surprised to know how common that one is? Just "kisses" out of the blue and with no real follow-up?)
10. Did we already do the old chestnut of random TPs that come without preamble or warning and just keep coming over and over and over and over? Yeah, I think we did.


On the other hand:

1. Joe 2.0: What's your fantasy? What about horny young dudes with raging hard ons at their computer trying to find a slut to play with?
2. Adam: Good evening MIss Lee. Adam blushes down at the ground, hoping he has not been too forward. Lee: Interesting balls. The ones you're standing next to, that is. Adam: Adam looks down to make sure his zipper is up! *gulp* oh, those..yes MIss. (I thought Ishtara would like that "Adam.")
3. Serious Guy: Comprehensive profile. Very direct, plus clear on what you want. Exciting sexual imagery painted in words, text or voice. I'm interested..how many times do you achieve that goal?
4. Him: Hello there. Naughty thing, aren't you? Well I must ask, how you like to feel, like a whore or a princess? Me: Both. Woman's prerogative. Him: lol, men's nightmare. 
5. Understanding Guy: Now I don't tend to tell someone what to do, or really ask what you are doing rl, I figure you know your self better than I do.
6. Referred Guy: Hello, I'm a friend of Referring Guy. I think he thought I might amuse you.
7. Calling Card Guy: Sweetness, I would like the chance to play about with you some time. I have looked over your profile and I think between the two of us, we could come up with a wonderful scenario. May I offer you my card so we can plan some time together then?
8. Theatre Guy: Anything good playing at the theatre? Me: No, actually. Bit of a disappointment. Theatre Guy: I suppose if there's no entertainment on offer, you have to make your own.
9. Assumptive Opener: I think you'll like me. Just a hunch. And most girls usually do.


Repost. LeeHere Absent, Mar 4, 2011 http://gotvirtual.net/community/threads/thats-what-she-said.772/page-19#post-30794

Here's another line that has been used on me that you can recycle and try, but I really wouldn't like your chances with it because it didn't do much more than momentarily amuse me before laughing it off.

Him: Can you send me a TP? I am lost.




I've noticed a fair number of men in Second Life will give a gift, like a rose, as their opening line. A nice gesture, surely, and yet I'm not certain of how effective it is. Anyone have any thoughts on that?

It still leads me to the question I have about many simple openers, which is, "what are you going to do or say from there?" The rose gift can have the effect of putting you squarely in the dance-and-romance category, which is extremely popular with women in Second Life, thereby potentially making it an ideal mood-setting opener, but if you follow it with a "wannafuck" style line, it could be a bit jarring. And then, of course, I might refer you back to my post about the man who gave me a rose and then berated me for being a money and gift whore when I did not drop everything to come and service him so he could get some sleep. An extreme choice, I'll grant you, and not an effective one if his intent was to spend one second more interacting with me.


Repost.  http://gotvirtual.net/community/threads/thats-what-she-said.772/page-25#post-33814


I thought this was kinda cute from a man with the same last name:

Him: So, are you my wife I didnt know about, or are we related some how....lol
Her: Same family apparently. Long lost cousins?
Him: lol, damn, I was hoping you were my vegas wife I didn't remember marrying

Speaking of which, I did meet a man in SL who suggested we meet and marry in RL in Vegas. I declined.